Becoming Myself

I’ve been thinking about where I am, who I’ve become, and how I feel about both. A few days ago, while walking with a friend, it occurred to me that this is the first time in my life when most of my decisions are based on what I truly want.

For much of my life, I made choices to please or appease others. At some point—perhaps later than I would have liked—I realized that this is my life, and I should be the one trying to make it full and happy. Living for others and living for oneself are not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes they don’t align.

As a child and young adult, I made decisions based on what I thought my parents wanted for me. I believe they always wanted what they thought was best, but instead of guiding me to discover that for myself, they often defined it for me.

Later, in marriage, I made decisions based on what I believed would make my husband happy. Sometimes we aligned, but often we didn’t. Our ideas of what was right were very different.

When I became a mother, I built my life around my children. I had always wanted to be a mother, and while I don’t know if I consciously believed that what was right for them would also be right for me, I do know that my decisions centered on what I thought was best for them.

After my divorce, I carried guilt about some of what my children experienced. I tried to create a life for them that would make up for those moments. But my children have grown into remarkable young adults—not because life was perfect or because I was a perfect mother, but because of everything they have lived through.

I believe people love us not despite what we’ve been through, but because of it.

I see my children for who they are—always evolving—and they know they are loved, supported, and accepted for whoever they choose to become. Do I wish they would take my advice and avoid pain? Of course. But I also know that failure shapes us in the most meaningful ways.

I’m proudest of them when they do hard things—especially when they struggle, fail, and try again. And I’m proudest of myself when I step so far outside my comfort zone that success isn’t guaranteed. That’s when I know I’m growing.

Now, for the first time, I’m truly making decisions for myself. I’ve helped lay a foundation for my children, and perhaps the greatest gift I’ve given them is permission to discover who they are.

When I wake up in the morning, I know the most important thing I can do is focus on what I need—whether that’s a walk, meditation, work, or all three. It can feel daunting to no longer be needed in the same way, but if I’ve done my job as a mother, this is exactly where I should be.

I am free.

There are still moments when my life revolves around the people I love, but I remind myself that I am one of those people.

It took me a long time to realize that the person I needed most in my life was myself. If I can be there for myself, I will never truly be alone.

I am not a finished product—not even close. I am becoming. And the thing I hope most to become… is myself.

With love and light,
xx
Christina