What We Can Control and What We Cannot: The Roles Shame and Guilt Play in Our Lives

In the quiet minutes before I got out of bed this morning, familiar thoughts resurfaced—thoughts that, though not new, felt newly illuminated. I wanted to share them with you in hopes they might stir something deep within you too.

None of us truly knows what the day will bring. We can check the weather, plan our schedules, follow our routines—and all of that is useful, even comforting—but real control is elusive. Good and bad arrive without warning. Floods, fires, earthquakes, and storms can disrupt the most carefully laid plans. Sometimes the universe has its own agenda, and no amount of preparation can stop it.

And yet, life’s surprises aren’t only harsh. Sometimes they’re gifts—an unexpected message from an old friend, a crisp, sunny morning that wasn’t in the forecast, a shift in the day that invites joy to take the place of our original plans.

I’m not saying we have no control—of course we do. And I’m certainly not suggesting we abandon our routines. What I am saying is that it’s wise to leave space for change, for growth, for life to unfold. That much, I can guarantee—it will. The only thing we truly control is our response.

I try not to dwell on the past. I can’t say I never do, but when a problem appears—big or small—I focus on moving forward. I like action. I like solutions. When someone brings me a problem, or one arises unexpectedly, I try not to get stuck resenting it. Instead, I ask: What can I do to solve this? How can it help me grow?

We’re often taught from a young age to avoid talking about problems, but ignoring them rarely makes them disappear. I’ve found that shifting my focus from the problem itself to the best path forward not only makes me more productive, but often reveals a lesson or insight I hadn’t considered.

Brené Brown speaks beautifully about the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt, she says, is useful—it holds us accountable when our actions don’t align with our values. Shame, on the other hand, is corrosive. It disconnects us from others, makes us feel unworthy, and can lead to more harmful behavior.

There have been times in my life when I carried shame that I later realized wasn’t mine—it belonged to the person who had hurt me. Letting go meant giving it back to where it belonged. Guilt, however, has been a teacher. It’s shaped me, showing me what I don’t want to repeat, helping me grow into a truer version of myself.

I am, like all of us, a work in progress—becoming a little better, a little more beautiful each day. I don’t deny the mistakes or the person I once was, because they are part of the foundation for who I am now. But I have no place for shame in the life I am building. When something I’m ashamed of creeps into my thoughts, I ask: Is this truly mine? Or does it belong to someone else? Shame thrives in darkness; it withers when we bring it into the light.

We are all imperfect. We can’t rewrite the past, but we can choose to live intentionally, to create a life we are proud of—open, conscious, and full.

Sending you love and light,